Do you get uncomfortable when you hear the word sex? I mean, does it make you feel like you’re being defiled! Okay, maybe defiled is a strong word, but you get what I mean!
Let me tell you a little story. I’ve always been interested in sex. I loved romance as a kid, and even though I started off reading Christian romance, by the time I got into secondary school, I was exposed to mills and boon and their erotic romance, and to cut that story short, I got hooked. The only draw back was, I couldn’t talk about it, and I was terribly embarrassed that I knew anything about sex at all!
In my head, I was a good girl, and good girls weren’t meant to know anything about sex! They were meant to be innocent and pure and undefiled in every way.
I was interested in sex, but none of my friends talked about it, in fact at some point in time, I thought I was the only one my age who felt that way, and since I wasn’t interested in experimenting, I went to books to find out what I wanted to know. At a point I graduated from reading books to googling things. I mean, if I wanted to know something I would just google the thing and get my knowledge from there. Yes, it was that deep.
Anyways, so fast forward to my first year in uni, and I had this roommate and one day, we were talking about some sex related things (can’t remember how the convo started, but I didn’t instigate it!) and she was so comfortable with it, I was like wow! But then, I was still too shy to talk about it. It however made me see that maybe sex wasn’t a taboo to talk about after all. Now, it took me a good few years to be able to talk about sex without feeling like I was discussing some forbidden topic. In hindsight, I realise now that my whole idea about sex was wrong.
Sex is a beautiful thing, especially when it is engaged in by two consenting , preferably legally bound (but not necessarily), well informed adults. However, the problem I’ve found, especially in the non western world is, we never talk about sex. We never give good sex education to people. We just tell them, avoid it because babies are real, STD’s are real, and AIDS is real! Sure, that’s all fine and good, but your average human being wants to do what he/she is told not to do. So this leads to a lot of people experimenting and ending up with painful/annoying experiences. Cause let’s face it, a large portion of the people who go out and have sex all in the name of experimenting, end up regretting their first time, its usually quite disappointing.
Certain things can’t b changed overnight, but I think our attitude towards sex really does need to change. Every one experiences sexual urges and everyone at some point or the other feels desire. There’s no point in making people feel like it’s wrong that they feel these things, cause it’s not! It just makes them human.
So, let’s stop the shaming. Let’s be honest and open minded. In my opinion, I feel like if people felt free to talk about sex, desires etc there would be less experimenting.
Instead of telling the younger ones the usual NO without explaining our reasons, let’s talk sex and teach safe sex.
What’s wrong with talking about safe sex? Sex hygiene? I’m sure some people weren’t even aware that a thing like sex hygiene exists. This is most likely because a lot of what we know about sex is gotten from porn or trial and error. I feel like people think talking about sex has to be some sort of soft porn movie, but honestly it doesn’t!
Simple things like before and after care, or ways to curb sexual desires, or to manage them can be talked about without being graphic. People shouldn’t need to have to resort to porn or worse yet date rape to get their experience. No, I’m not saying sit and give details of what you do when you’re having sexual intercourse, I’m just saying, we should be a little more open to the topic.
People who are sexually active shouldn’t be embarrassed to get checked for STD’s, or to pick up condoms… Like, it’s really not that big a deal, cause all the people who you think are silently judging you probably wish they could be as brave as you.
I was reading a novel the other day, and yes I know it’s fiction, but believe it or not, this woman was married to a man (they were newly weds) and she was disgusted at the thought of having sex with her husband during the day! In her head, sex was meant for nighttime, no lights, should be done quietly and after that everyone should pretend it didn’t happen. You might not agree with me, but I know there are people who feel that way about sex. It makes me sad to be honest. Like I said, sex is beautiful when the two people engaging in it are two informed adults. When they both know that it’s not a thing to be ashamed of, when they know that passion is allowed! You can be loud, quiet, whatever you want. You can have it with the lights on, or off, mid day or mid night, whatever you want!
Now, I’m no expert on the tips and tricks to mind blowing sex, but I can say that talking about it, especially with your partner is one way towards achieving it. It helps you enjoy it more!
Also, don’t be scared to ask your partner if he or she enjoyed it. I mean, what’s the point in doing something, if your partner isn’t a fan?
Sex should be enjoyed, even if it’s your 1st time (or your 20th time) and if you’re ready to talk about it with your partner, or more experienced people, I feel like that can be achieve.
Now, this isn’t me bashing porn, but I honestly believe there is a better way to learn without watching other people have sex. Unless it’s a thing you and your parter want to indulge in together!
At the end of the day, I guess there will always be a sense of secrecy where sex is concerned, since it’s such an intimate experience, but I feel proper sex ed and conversations will make the experience much more enjoyable for all the people involved. It will also create an awareness that there is such a thing as a healthy sex life, and no, it’s not reserved for promiscuous or loose people!
Words by Sammie